A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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