All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
