god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
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There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
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I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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