So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
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Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
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Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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