I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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