the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
