wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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