then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
