then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
