I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
