When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
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You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
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I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize