That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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