I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
