In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
