I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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