I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
