How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
