Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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