I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
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Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
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Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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