My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
