You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
