I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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