talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
