i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
