matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
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You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
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I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
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