I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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