hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
