You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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