I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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