He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Randomize
