oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
