my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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