yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
