Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
