White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Who did Billy Mays play for?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
