Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
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I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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