I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
