I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
