It's like God shit irony all over that family
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
