Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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