He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
