Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
