be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
