I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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