what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
