Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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