I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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