Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
