My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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