11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
