Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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