I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
