I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
