Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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