1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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